I love my job

I know I have only been there a little over a week but I love my job. It is amazing how much some things just come back to me, and the set up of a center makes things easier. I have worked as a sub in only three rooms but I love the room I have worked in most... one year olds! I don't know what it is about one year olds but I love working with them. Next week I probably won't be in that room unless something changes, but I'm getting attached to the kids. Then again, I didn't think I would be in that room much this week... so who knows.

This past sunday the sermon was about being involved in the church body and using your gifts for more than just making money... so there I was trying to think about what my gifts were. I love music and singing, but there are many others who are much better than I am. Then I thought about when I do the most singing, with kids of course! Then the part about using your gift for more than just making money hit, I love working with preschoolers, and the purest singing I do to share is with preschoolers. I live in a musical world... preschool. So I signed up to help with preschoolers, not sure what that means since we missed the meeting because our car broke down last night. Since it was right before church, there was no time or anyone around to help us. Thankfully I was at work, not too long of a walking distance from home, and it wasn't dark yet.

Alice in Wonderland!!!

I was searching through some Wiki articles trying to figure out about some of the nominated movies, and stumbled across a wonderful article... Disney is remaking Alice in Wonderland, with Tim Burton. Just a few of the amazing cast, Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, Anne Hathaway as the White Queen, Helena Bonham Carter (Harry Potter, Sweeney Todd) as the Red Queen, Alan Rickman (Snape in Harry Potter) as the Caterpillar, Crispin Glover (Twister, Whats eating Gilbert Grape) as the Knave of Hearts, Frances de la Tour (also Harry Potter) as Aunt Imogene... the other names I looked at I wasn't quite sure about. The movie is in post production and is due in theaters March of 2010. Probably will be quite creepy or at least dark in nature but I am still excited none the less. Wish I could post pictures but I haven't found any, since it is in post production, maybe some will come out soon.

This week

So it has been a week since I started as a sub and I have worked every day except one. That day, I sat and read while waiting by my phone, but it was so relaxing I was ok with it. Working with kids again has been great. I had forgotten how amazing it is to see children grow, help, and learn. I gave and got so many hugs this week. I think I also got a cold, but its ok, nothing a lot of OJ and rest can't fix.

This week has also been crazy. Joe has been taking tons of meds to hopefully reduce swelling and infection, to have a tooth pulled. He has been in so much pain this past week, and yesterday they pulled it. We were hoping once the tooth was pulled a lot of the pain would go away, but unfortunately he has at least a couple more painful days a head. We are just thankful he isn't on duty this weekend, because much sleeping is in order.

So while there is tons to do around the house, I think this is going to be a day of rest for the most part. Grocery shopping might be able to wait another day, but cleaning definitely can.

Depression and hope

So I have a job! It isn't necessarily the best or most stable but it was a crazy amazing first day. In the middle of unemployment I was unwilling to admit out loud how depressing it is to be without a job, but now I feel I need to write about the emotions that were so clear and pressing in the middle of it all. Mainly I write this because I am not alone in this past struggle, and secondly because while I know most of the worries and emotions I felt were unfounded but very deep rooted in things we learn in our childhood. I am very grateful for the job I have no matter how much I still worry that it won't be as stable as I hope, since I am a sub at this moment. Anyway so here it is.

During this time, I just struggled with thoughts of not pulling my weight and feeling guilty about not always being on top of household chores. If I didn't want to do the dishes which I never want to do, and neither does Joe, I would feel awful because if I didn't do the dishes, what was I doing? Guilt was a huge emotion I dealt with, since I did this to myself. At least that is what I told myself. I do know that it was important that I left starbucks, and the decision wasn't really up to me it was a God thing. But when things started to happen where it would have been really nice to have a second income and health insurance doubt was huge. Sleep, yeah I definitely did too much. I read the ways to keep from getting depressed when out of work, and while I did what most said, and tried to focus on God, they didn't seem to hit the nail on the head. Yes I graduated from college and had wonderful hopes when pursuing the degree I received, but with a BS in sociology few actual career paths were in front of me. As in none, not at least because of the degree I received. And while so many who were being helpful tried to guide me out of that degree path, I had a real passion for studying people, and I know that it will be used in the future. There was hopelessness in trying to find the direction I should go. I envied the Nursing and education majors who had set paths. I watched city of amber and wished jobs were handed out on a specific day, but you could still trade with a friend if you didn't pull out the job you wanted (which completely missed the point of the movie). I wanted to have a purpose, daily, not just in the long run, not just hoping that we would make it to the long run. There were days I didn't leave the house, because I didn't know where I would go. I was paranoid when it came to walking around campus, I was a bum, living off my husband which a was great a half a century ago but I was brought up to work, find a good job and do my best at it. I felt guilty saying I was looking for a job, but it was true, an awful truth that was always embarrassing. But people always ask what you do to try to find out more about you. And while it might not stay on the minds of those who asked, it weighed heavy on mine. I'm not saying in most situations it isn't an ok question to ask, but in mine it was something I tried to avoid. I would hope they would only ask Joe, I could go along and nod hoping they would not care what I did or they wouldn't have time after the obligatory explanation of part of the RD life, what dorm, "you mean like a dorm parent?", or "a what?" But usually the question would follow, sometimes with the what are you looking for sometimes with the awkward nod and an ok, see you later. When I had to truly search for a job daily, I just wanted to find something that would be "normal" hours that I might be qualified for, usually a long shot since with this market entry level jobs in the truest form are really hard to find. So I would stand in front of the person asking trying to give the easiest answer for a job that I have no clue if I'd want. Usually I would just say secretary or receptionist. I felt silly wanting a job I would enjoy. Jobs are supposed to be work, but do we have to dread going to work? I know some people do, but I didn't want to go back into a place like that again. And it would circle back into things happening and the extra income would have been nice, and the guilt would start again. So there was the dreaded circle.

So the hope that follows this time is looking back I can see where God guided me through this time. From leaving Starbucks, trusting God would provide, to finding out how God saved me from a lot of unnecessary stress by leaving. And how God provided... We were able to spend time with family without being held to the Clinton area. Joe and I were able to make up for the months of not being able to spend a lot of time together. It took time for God to show me how ungrateful I was of our situation in New Orleans, and allowed me to heal from some of my hang ups. Because of that healing time, I could realize I really did enjoy working with children, and wanting to leave the preschool was about things other than the preschool. God also gave me the time to know I wasn't just running back to working with preschoolers because I was running away from something. I know this will probably be just for a time, but I am where I am supposed to be. We could let go and find a church we can be a part of. So I know God will continue to provide for us, I have hope that he will use us. It has taken a crazy journey to get to this point, and know that nothing may be the same tomorrow. So there it is.

Promising

I called back about the preschool job, and while she said she wants to put me into the position, the person who will be leaving on maternity leave isn't ready to go yet. So while it might be another couple of weeks before I can start working in that position, I can be added to the sub list as soon as I fill out some paper work and they do finger printing. So I guess this is promising. I hopefully will know more tomorrow when I pick up the paper work. Yea for a job!

Some things I have been thinking about

This morning we visited Pinelake's Clinton campus, and for the first time in a while I felt challenged by a church. It was a breath of fresh air not to feel a doctrinal agenda guiding the service and message. I didn't feel like I was in a "baptist" church but more just a christian church. Anyway the message today was on prayer and truly praying for God's hand and glory from what we are praying. The challenge was to pray everyday for the month of Feb. about something specific (that pleases God, and is for his glory, not just because we want it), at least five min everyday. While the Lord's pray was used as a guideline of how to pray, it was brought down to the simpicity of the purpose behind it, to focus the prayer on God, giving glory to him, and submitting the outcome to be not mainly for my pleasure and gain but to be inline with God's will and purpose. So as of today I am going to stop focusing my prayers on getting a job. My prayer for this month is that God with show me what he wants my daily purpose to be. I undterstand that daily my life should glorify God, but in what way should that manifest itself. I am blessed that he is giving me this time in my life to seek him in this.