Depression and hope

So I have a job! It isn't necessarily the best or most stable but it was a crazy amazing first day. In the middle of unemployment I was unwilling to admit out loud how depressing it is to be without a job, but now I feel I need to write about the emotions that were so clear and pressing in the middle of it all. Mainly I write this because I am not alone in this past struggle, and secondly because while I know most of the worries and emotions I felt were unfounded but very deep rooted in things we learn in our childhood. I am very grateful for the job I have no matter how much I still worry that it won't be as stable as I hope, since I am a sub at this moment. Anyway so here it is.

During this time, I just struggled with thoughts of not pulling my weight and feeling guilty about not always being on top of household chores. If I didn't want to do the dishes which I never want to do, and neither does Joe, I would feel awful because if I didn't do the dishes, what was I doing? Guilt was a huge emotion I dealt with, since I did this to myself. At least that is what I told myself. I do know that it was important that I left starbucks, and the decision wasn't really up to me it was a God thing. But when things started to happen where it would have been really nice to have a second income and health insurance doubt was huge. Sleep, yeah I definitely did too much. I read the ways to keep from getting depressed when out of work, and while I did what most said, and tried to focus on God, they didn't seem to hit the nail on the head. Yes I graduated from college and had wonderful hopes when pursuing the degree I received, but with a BS in sociology few actual career paths were in front of me. As in none, not at least because of the degree I received. And while so many who were being helpful tried to guide me out of that degree path, I had a real passion for studying people, and I know that it will be used in the future. There was hopelessness in trying to find the direction I should go. I envied the Nursing and education majors who had set paths. I watched city of amber and wished jobs were handed out on a specific day, but you could still trade with a friend if you didn't pull out the job you wanted (which completely missed the point of the movie). I wanted to have a purpose, daily, not just in the long run, not just hoping that we would make it to the long run. There were days I didn't leave the house, because I didn't know where I would go. I was paranoid when it came to walking around campus, I was a bum, living off my husband which a was great a half a century ago but I was brought up to work, find a good job and do my best at it. I felt guilty saying I was looking for a job, but it was true, an awful truth that was always embarrassing. But people always ask what you do to try to find out more about you. And while it might not stay on the minds of those who asked, it weighed heavy on mine. I'm not saying in most situations it isn't an ok question to ask, but in mine it was something I tried to avoid. I would hope they would only ask Joe, I could go along and nod hoping they would not care what I did or they wouldn't have time after the obligatory explanation of part of the RD life, what dorm, "you mean like a dorm parent?", or "a what?" But usually the question would follow, sometimes with the what are you looking for sometimes with the awkward nod and an ok, see you later. When I had to truly search for a job daily, I just wanted to find something that would be "normal" hours that I might be qualified for, usually a long shot since with this market entry level jobs in the truest form are really hard to find. So I would stand in front of the person asking trying to give the easiest answer for a job that I have no clue if I'd want. Usually I would just say secretary or receptionist. I felt silly wanting a job I would enjoy. Jobs are supposed to be work, but do we have to dread going to work? I know some people do, but I didn't want to go back into a place like that again. And it would circle back into things happening and the extra income would have been nice, and the guilt would start again. So there was the dreaded circle.

So the hope that follows this time is looking back I can see where God guided me through this time. From leaving Starbucks, trusting God would provide, to finding out how God saved me from a lot of unnecessary stress by leaving. And how God provided... We were able to spend time with family without being held to the Clinton area. Joe and I were able to make up for the months of not being able to spend a lot of time together. It took time for God to show me how ungrateful I was of our situation in New Orleans, and allowed me to heal from some of my hang ups. Because of that healing time, I could realize I really did enjoy working with children, and wanting to leave the preschool was about things other than the preschool. God also gave me the time to know I wasn't just running back to working with preschoolers because I was running away from something. I know this will probably be just for a time, but I am where I am supposed to be. We could let go and find a church we can be a part of. So I know God will continue to provide for us, I have hope that he will use us. It has taken a crazy journey to get to this point, and know that nothing may be the same tomorrow. So there it is.