Simplify

Everything I plan to do usually starts out good, I'm dedicated in the beginning. Then slowly there is a change, the things I was so disciplined at are replaced or worn down to nothing. Habits aren't formed but reality sets in and I begin to no longer care about the things I once did, or to the extreme begin to loath them. For example, the bike that now sits in front of our building rusting. I had such good intentions when we first got it, Joe would eventually get a bike and we would ride together, and if all else fails I would ride it to work. When in New Orleans, riding the bike to work was a great idea, flat straight ride to work, less hassle than walking and great when the car was on the fritz. In Clinton, the hills and the heat make me not even want to think about taking the chain off. So there it sits, dedication out the window with the value and worth declining.

I am realizing how many things I have wasted our money on simply by wanting and not really needing. Those are the things that usually sit untouched for the second month of ownership, and have during the first month broken good habits and taken away the desire for steady things. A childish side of me emerges and I want nothing else but the flash and possibility of this thing or activity. I don't know if it is just a distraction from what life is really like or if it something I want to show off. I don't understand really why the cycle continues, but it continues in almost every area of my life; work, home life, church, quiet times all fall prey to it. When I hit the realization, I almost immediately feel the pull back in to it, "maybe a book or bible study could help me with this." Not that either are a bad thing for most people, but I know my tendency to spend money on either and never finish because they will be replaced as the cycle continues because buying it started the cycle.

When I say every area of my life, I mean every. Another example college, yes I stuck though and got my degree, but did I ever really stick anything out. I had four majors in four years, my plans went with the wind. Music was something I always enjoyed so thats where I started, until it began to be too hard and no longer something I enjoyed. Then came English education, great plans but I didn't really want to teach in a classroom I thought, I couldn't even spell well enough to teach anyone else. Social work was a brilliant idea, I could help people, that is what I wanted to do anyway seeing that my ultimate goal was to be a missionary, until it became more practical to the social work profession and then I was out. And I wanted to be out, of school, so how could I graduate with the least amount of extra money to be paid and hours to be taken, sociology. I loved the classes, but where has it gotten me? I still wonder if my idealized views of life will follow me through everything, I know that it has job wise. I will always wonder if I should go back to school to do something else, there the cycle continues. It is almost as if I am a piece of paper lit on fire to start a bonfire, without the huge steady logs I am only going to flare up for a short time and disappear, with the logs I could spread and bring meaningful heat. I know what the fire and logs should be focused on (or in the metaphor lit by and be centered around), but I feel I am still trying to find the logs that will last that will bring meaning and that can be centered around God and not try to replace him.

I don't want to blame all of this on my American culture, that would be the easy thing to say. I don't want to even blame, I feel like that is just a mechanism to justify instead of change. I do feel bad that I have wasted time, money and talents that have been entrusted to me but I don't feel I should dwell on the things that are now gone. I know that God has forgiven me for my past, and wants me to simplify so I can seek him and he will change my desires for the lasting things.